Only Higher

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This week was tough.

Almost at the end of each day, i walked away from the office feeling a thumping headache brewing.

Some threw profanities at me and some went back to the needle in the arm after weeks of being clean.

Oh the perks of being a social worker, it is to be expected isn’t it? This is what i signed myself up for.

There is nothing like working so hard to improve the lives of others, and then feel like not much came out of it. It can be tiring and disheartening at times- well most of the time- but i’ve always been a giver.

Id lay at night in bed and think about the stress. The anxieties this job brings, even if self-care is mandatory. It still get’s you, don’t you worry about that.

But i love it. The job that is.

With such a demanding job, working alongside the disadvantaged, it makes me realise how important it is to have -good hearted- people in my life. I miss my papi throughout the day and i remind myself of the strengthening words he has whispered to me over time. You see, it’s so easy to feel down doing this sort of work. The people you surround yourself with are almost vital to your sanity and your next awaiting heart beat.

Love is everything, without seeing my dear love for 4 days straight, i felt the difference. I needed his cute smile, a kiss on the hand and to tell me that everything will be fine. I needed him to make me laugh and to forget about the realities of life. Oh how i missed him so much. Love, love is one precious thing that should never be taken lightly.

A good friend in my life is something that id like to have. Someone who genuinely loves me, and not just my company or my interests. A sisterhood, i shall call it. One day maybe, im sure.

But for now, i know the importance of choosing positive relationships. Poison just can’t do anything for me and i can’t do anything for it. I need people to inspire and uplift me to be me, and not apologise for it.

And i offer you the same.

Thunder & Light

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Thunder is soothing and lightning is kind. When it strikes, that’s what it does. A flash of bright white light exposing what hides in the dark. Some people are afraid of its rumble and some sit back to enjoy the show. Me? it’s a cleanse, an emotional and mindful exposure of myself. Then the light cracks from the sky, it illuminates the surface of my heart and my inner most thoughts. I see me for what me is.

As i was driving home late from buying an umbrella, ready for tomorrow’s rainy day, the rain poured and the heaven’s rumbled. The bright light appeared like how they portray someone entering the pearly gates. instinctively, i realised it was that time again, the time to bring something to the surface. A pain which i have been feeling for a while, a sadness which adds to my fragile heart and burdens my over working clock of a mind.

I am a sensitive being. The person who will enter her shell for protection, just like the humble turtle. And the girl who will carry no sword but will walk with you to victory. A curse or a blessing? I’m still not sure.

Being a sensitive being makes you extend your hand when no one will go that extra mile. But it also means, we are easy to hurt. I am easy to hurt. I feel the injustice so deeply. And this is how i have been feeling as of late.

You see, i climbed the mountain with someone. Someone who was facing life’s mean surprises. I didn’t have to, but i wanted to. I never gave “no” as an answer and nothing was too hard for me, because i genuinely wanted to see them reach the top. To stand on that steep mountain top waving the flag of triumph. And it happened, they got to wave that flag, teeth brimming for the world to see. Life’s mean surprises was defeated! I don’t take any credit for it, but as i shut the door to my bedroom each night, i went to bed feeling i had  spent  every ounce of fire i had. The next day i would put on my smile and do it over again. And it was to my delight to walk through the blaze with you.

The sensitive being didn’t expect gold, frankincense or myrrh. Not a penny and not a cent. For she wanted warmth, warmth which comes from gratitude and respect. A phone call here and there, that would have sufficed. A gentle enquiry, like, how is your new job treating you? Or an open hand gesture, like, is there anything i can do for you? But what i found at my doorstep, was a package that was empty.  I gave it time to show up, maybe it was hiding in the corners of the box, a bit shy perhaps. I gave it space, hoping it would crawl out. I put it under sunlight, hoping that something may grow. It soon became clear, that things weren’t clear at all.

Injustice hits hard, especially when you gave it your all. You may say, why do something when you are expecting in return? Well, perhaps everyone would be a liar. A thank you, a phone call here and there, an interest in my life- gratitude. An extended hand, which would hopefully draw us closer.

Thunder is soothing and lightning is kind, where would we be without its shout and its wide eye’s.

Hard Ground

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(Next on the Wishlist)

“In Hard Ground, O’Brien joins with renowned singer-songwriter Tom Waits, described by the New York Times as “the poet of outcasts,” to create a portrait of homelessness that impels us to look into the eyes of people who live “on the hard ground” and recognize our common humanity. For Waits, who has spent decades writing about outsiders, this subject is familiar territory. Combining their formidable talents in photography and poetry, O’Brien and Waits have crafted a work in the spirit of Let Us Now Praise Famous Men, in which James Agee’s text and Walker Evans’s photographs were “coequal, mutually independent, and fully collaborative” elements. Letting words and images communicate on their own terms, rather than merely illustrate each other, Hard Ground transcends documentary and presents independent, yet powerfully complementary views of the trials of homelessness and the resilience of people who survive on the streets”  -Amazon